So why did I start blogging? Well, it was after posting this ‘Parental Warning’ story about Isabella and I, on Facebook. I enjoyed it so much, I decided to do it regularly! Here’s the post in full:
So Hanna (Wife and mamma) is away at the moment on one of her regular business trips, which means little Isabella and I are on our own for a few days. This isn’t generally a problem as we have similar levels of intellect and more or less the same interests (I draw the line at picking up dust off the floor and eating it though). Anyway Isabella had been good as gold all day, we’d played, cuddled and watched some cartoons together. All this parenting success may have given me the false impression I can do no wrong. So bedtime comes along and after a story (a Swedish story read by a man that can’t speak Swedish…it was the only one within arm’s reach) and a nice warm bottle of formula, she drifts off to sleep in her cot, next to our bed. 4 hours, and the majority of a bottle of wine later I decide to get some shuteye too.
As I enter the bedroom its immediately evident that sweet little Isabella has shit herself. And judging by the smell it’s been lingering for a while. Now yes Isabella is generally a very well behaved baby, but if there’s one thing you CANNOT do is to wake her in the night, ever, for any reason. If you do….may God have mercy on your soul. I’m not sure if it was the successful day we’d had, the fact I thought Isabella and I had an understanding, or the 3/4 of a bottle of wine I’d just drunk, but I decided ‘hey, I’m gonna change her nappy, what’s the worst that can happen!?’. Before I’d even fully lifted her out of the cot, the horror of my mistake was staring me straight in the face, and it was puse. Isabella let out the most blood curdling scream you can imagine, her face screwed up like she was international gurning champion 2019, and she turned purple. I quickly ran her over to the changing mat, standing on numerous toys on the way, all the while trying to soothe her, (whilst inwardly cursing myself). I undressed her and took her nappy off…no poo? What!? How can that be???………ohhhh. To the side of me, was an open, unbagged old poopy nappy, from earlier that day. Now don’t ask me how I’d forget to bag that up, I can’t answer you, all I know is that this screaming, hyperventilating, sweaty baby was my punishment. Desperately trying to salvage the situation I bagged the nappy, threw it out of the door and got Isabella dressed. I lay on our bed and rested her head on my shoulder, whilst giving her a cuddle. Immediate silence!! 5 mins later once I was sure she was asleep I went to put her in the cot. This was the moment I realised I’d made monumental fuck up number 2.
Now when a babies lying on their back, next to you with their head on your armpit / shoulder, it’s fucking impossible to get them up without A. Not waking them, or B. Disclocating your shoulder. I should know because I tried both options. I eventually (very clumsily) picked poor Isabella up, immediately waking her, before placing her in her cot. More blood curdling screaming ensued. I then spent the next hour and 15 back breaking minutes leaning over her cot, stroking her back, singing Lilla cat (more bad Swedish), telling her it’s ok, and that Pappa’s sorry, before she finally went back to sleep.
So for anyone who’s actually read all this, the moral of the story is…Clean up your shit (literally), and NEVER WAKE A SLEEPING BABY!!! If you do, you’ll regret it.
Luckily Isabella has recovered from the ordeal and has forgiven me. Who’d be a parent ey?… Actually I still love it
Tuscan Dad 